The errors of a man are what make him really lovable.
Lately I could not write a word, nor type it. After the most crazy summer vacations with stupid stories I got so exhausted and indifferent for anything that I could not describe it in words how I felt (and that is after the vacations!). Was it a writer’s block or was it a general crisis of approaching a round date of my forties. While I thought it is just a depression because I had a serial row of unfortunate events. But my own unwillingness of at least solving one problem became so obvious that the awful truth was beginning to dawn at me. Now I know, – this is it! The crisis N40.
A revaluation of my life up to now and in the way not flattering me. The fact that I see my life only in negative hues, only the “dont’s” not the “do’s” meant depression. I think of my life just through the what I have not done in my life and not what I have achieved, – the very sign that this is it, – the Crisis. If I compare my life in conventional way, – as the Dutch say “boompje, bootje, kindje”. Little tree, little boat, a child, – for me as a woman on the threshold of 40 is the worst way to analyze my life. Woman suppose to feel more intense the running out of time. The time bomb. Even the fact that my family stopped asking me of having a baby is a sign that I am out of a breeding league. And it is rather difficult to do it differently because most of the friends having the families, it is like a constant reminder of what I have missed. The same with a carrier. If I was a carrier woman, it would soothing to sip a (health) cocktail ( hey, you are almost 40, you should take a better care of yourself) while being deeply satisfied with the life. This is all about, – the satisfaction. Are you satisfied with your life you living (viva Bob!), yourself, your surroundings, your job, your achievements etc.? Not? Then you are lost. At 40, the proof that you are doing well should be there, as your children are growing, your carrier is growing, your spiritual life is growing, as you are growing, older. If you are accomplished, 40s could be your best time. Children are enough grown up, your carrier is steady, your point of view of the world is more or less settled down. I was focusing lately on the absence of those many things that are pushed on us by the society. And I couldn’t be of cause satisfied by the absence, who could to be satisfied by what you have not, by the vacuum. The thing is about that vacuum that it is neatly created by myself. Nobody is accusing me of not having this or that, people are busy with their own lives. So, I am sitting here and torturing myself by examining my life in a wrong way. To examine my life is certainly useful (dear Socrates) in order to know, oh, surprise!, that it is still worth living. My life is not just “minus”, there are “plus, zero, division, multiplication”. And here you go, you get a degree that forty is just a zenith of my life! I am middle-aged, sound and proud. Proud of my mistakes too although they are not unique and I better have listened to the older more experienced people. If I have listened to the others my life would be rather less bumpier but now my life is fully mine. And stop seeing your life with the other people’s eyes that leads to depression.
I got stuck in self-indulgence, self mockery, self diminution and that blocked me for some months, luckily not forever. In this shape I saw my writing as useless, in the hyper-flow of other people writing. I considered keeping up my blog as useless (to the others). There is Ecumene of a written word, so what?! I think there is a room for anybody.
As dear Marley sang:
Are you satisfied (with the life you’re living)? I am.
Exodus. Down with the Crisis!
Move! Move! Move! Move! Move! Move!
p.s. As very nice Canadian lady in Stulpa/Greece told us, – oh, do you have 30s crisis? Don’t you worry, you are going to have 40s crisis, 50s crisis etc. She believes in education and not punishment. So, I educated myself on the subject of my life and if I am a good student, – my old mistakes not to be repeated. Certainly there will be new mistakes. The more errors the more experience.